Editors’ Notes: A Continued Conversation

Letter from Meirra

Thank you all for those who have responded about my official “coming out” as bisexual. I wanted to take some time to clarify what this means. It does not mean I am leaving Yin for a girl. Being with him does not mean I am now straight. It is not a phase. I am not confused. It has taken me this long to make such a declaration for several reasons. Today I’d like to focus on just one of those reasons: the lack of information. It took me a long time to realize that I was attracted equally to men and women, and longer still to accept that and understand what it meant to my identity. I thought it was a phase, puberty hormones, something I shouldn’t be feeling or be shameful. I didn’t have the context or vocabulary to process what I was feeling. Through my college education and amazing friends in the LGBTQIA+ community, I realized that I didn’t have to choose a ‘side.’ All of my feelings are legitimate, and I am free to date women and men without guilt. (And yes, I have--and no, Yin does not feel threatened or insecure dating a bisexual fem woman, why would he?). I am happy that I am at a point where I feel comfortable enough in myself and my identity to share with the family in such a public manner. Though it took so long because I wasn’t sure of the response, I avoided it. I love our family and didn’t want to rock the boat. I ended up with a man, so why bother? But then I thought back through my experience, my lack of vocabulary and context at a young age. That is why I bothered. Our family needs to talk about complicated, confusing, uncomfortable things. We must provide the vocabulary, context, and a safe place for all future generations to better understand and accept themselves and how they fit into this world. 

In celebration of Pride Month (which has just ended), I give you this terrific and informative video by the incomparable Conor McKenzie. Check it out!

Love and hugs and kisses!

Meirra

(If you have any questions or comments or thoughts call, text, email, send smoke signals :) I’d love to talk)

Letter from Ben

I want to thank those who took the time to read and respond to our first blog post! I appreciate every reply, and I have learned a lot from all your responses. Going forward, we are going to go to a Monday, Wednesday, and Friday format. On Monday, we will move forward with our discussion, and publish a new piece of the conversation. On Wednesday, we will clarify anything we feel needs to be refined based on the early feedback, and we will provide additional thoughts from other members of our generation. On Friday, we will publish a response to the overall feedback we have received. Today’s post will be a reaction to feedback that we received, similar to what a typical Friday post will contain.

We will take all the help we can when it comes to writing about anti-Black racism in North America. Some feedback included advice on how and what to write in future posts, and we appreciate and welcome the advice and information. So, I just wanted to give a shoutout to those who provided guidance and encourage everybody to speak if they think they have ideas about how to communicate and teach about these issues. Thank you for reaching out.

I am very appreciative of those who expressed an interest in improving our inter-familial communication on important issues. I didn’t intend to shift the focus of our ‘Black Lives Matter’ from anti-Black racism to my problems. We will thoroughly address that issue. My intention in mentioning Meirra’s sexuality and my mental illness is to highlight a failing in our communication. We can be more supportive as a family by being open about our differences and issues. I am not going to be the only person in this family who struggles with mental health issues. I’m almost certainly not the only person who has struggled with mental health issues, but I don’t know that. I want my cousins, particularly my younger cousins, and any children who grow up in this family to know that they can reach out to me, Meirra, or really anybody in the family if they are going through something, and that as a family we will be there. If somebody can help based on their personal experience, we will do that. I appreciate those who want to work to make sure our family is a safe space for all.

One of the things I saw a little bit more clearly based on your feedback from this week was what I perceive to be a bit of a disconnect between talk and action. I should mention that this is an ‘opinion.’ I have heard at many points that my Masis and Masas are there for me, so indeed, there is a vague explicit communicated openness. At the same time, I grew up in this family. I was a child who grew up and witnessed your actions. I was around when some of my older cousins and Masis/Masas spoke romantically about the Iraq war. It looked phenomenal then, and we now know it was a great success that didn’t just kill hundreds of thousands of civilians. (This is sarcasm). I saw you vote against gay marriage multiple times. I saw you complain about taxes, even though you can afford shelter, know that food will be on your table and have healthcare while others cannot. I heard you complain about how universal healthcare would be too expensive and listened to you explain that the current system is a fair sacrifice for superior drug development. (I hate to break it to you, but the British discovered penicillin and the smallpox vaccine, a Canadian discovered insulin in Canada, and the Germans developed morphine. Americans certainly aren’t outpacing the field with their smarts). Did anybody say, “Hey, it’s crazy that gay marriage isn’t legal!” or, “Hey, it’s super unfair that access to healthcare is limited to those with money!”? A few isolated voices in private conversations rather than family-wide discussions. They were few in comparison to the many folks complaining about taxes. So unless you expressly say so, if I know you voted against gay marriage and haven’t said a word since, I can’t assume that you are not homophobic. If you’ve supported classist politics, I can’t decide to believe that you are not classist. Doing so would be nonsensical. Nothing about these actions screams “openness” or “acceptance.” If you voted for racist policies, and have said nothing about racism, how can I assume you aren’t a racist? At best, I can assume you are ignorant. You cannot expect me or anybody else to take your word that you understand how important this moment is, or believe that you have any idea of how anti-Black racism is at the core of our institutions. So what can I do? I don’t want to keep guessing and assuming. If I can write this blog, and folks can respond to my emails, have vacations and play poker, we can have plenty of time to have this conversation. Please, speak to me, challenge me, tell me why I’m wrong (if you think I am), but perhaps it’s worthwhile to listen and learn. Because I am going to listen to you too, and we will keep talking, keep understanding, keep learning, and ultimately grow.

With love and truth,

Ben

P.S. While you enjoy your fireworks and “independence,” let us remember what July 4th (and Canada Day) celebrates. White colonists’ theft of Indigenous land, genocide against Indigenous folks, and subsequent theft of Black people from Africa to perform unpaid labour on the stolen property.